Alison Z. answered • 02/15/23
Double Oxford Masters with 4+ Years Tutoring Experience
This is a good start to a thesis statement! Thesis statements are notoriously difficult because they need to do a lot in a small space. Thesis statements can vary depending on the type of essay (e.g. descriptive or argumentative). This sounds like an argumentative paper. For a college-level argumentative paper, graders generally look for the following in the thesis statement:
- "Just right" argument size: You don't want to have an argument that is too narrow such that it is difficult to expand upon, and you don't want to have an argument that is too broad such that you cannot address it in the limited space you have. The "size" of the argument will vary depending on the amount of space that you're allotted (ie. 4 pages vs 40 pages).
- Specific argumentative outline: Although you cannot capture the entire essay in just your 1-2 sentence thesis statement, the thesis statement should be able to give an indication of the line of argument you are going to make. Ideally, it should be able to address a) why your topic is relevant, b) your position on the matter, and c) what specific evidence supports your position (usually, teachers suggest listing 3 specific points as a good rule of thumb).
- Clear and well-written: Precise language is key to building a strong thesis statement. There are of course stylistic preferences, but overall clear language should help the reader understand your argument. And using precise language also helps *you* work out the details of your argument.
An example of a thesis statement that does all of the above is: "Although Whole Foods customers routinely purchase red apples over green apples, my study indicates that Whole Foods customers should purchase green apples because they are demonstrably more flavorful, healthier, and cheaper than red apples."
Your thesis statement does a good job of picking the "just right" size for the argument! But I think you could sharpen up its argumentative structure (point 2) and make its language more precise (point 3).
First, I'm not sure what the relevance is. What field of research are you speaking to? What is "this phenomenon"? What are you hoping to address with "healthier solutions"?
Second, I can sense you are arguing against a certain previous solution: which solution is that? Your statement would be stronger (and more argumentative) if you named it explicitly here.
Here is an example of a sharper version of your statement. I've added in some made-up parts that I have underlined that try to address the questions I posed above^^.
"The poor physical reaction to meditation indicates that mental health researchers should investigate other mindfulness solutions that more effectively reduce people's stress while also enhancing their physical health."
This presents a clearer argumentative structure and gives the reader an indication of which direction your paper is heading: e.g. talk about the physical drawbacks of meditation, talk about what reduction in stress would look like, propose a potential new mindfulness solution, and demonstrate that this new solution also does not harm physical health. You can also see how clearer argumentative structure goes in-hand with more precise language. Once you answer the questions I noted, you can fill in the blanks with your own points!
