I need help improving a paragraph. It is the start of an article titled This Has to Stop.

Question

Suicide, what is it? The definition is the act of intentionally causing one's own death. Although, there’s more to it than the textbook definition. Yes, I know you’re probably tired of hearing about suicide prevention, but you haven't been hearing about it. You learn to listen actively in school, but you don’t. There's a reason we learn about it and have helplines on the back of our IDs. Every day you walk past someone struggling with mental health. “An estimated 1.1 million adolescents die each year. The leading causes are road traffic injuries, suicide, and interpersonal violence,” an exerpt from World Health Organizating. Did you know that? Don’t get bored yet, there’s more. The American Health Rankings write, “United States Value: 10.6 Number of deaths by suicide per 100,000 adolescents ages 15-19,” might not seem like a large number but do some math and that’s an estimated 35,404 for the U.S. teen population. Yes, most of you reading this are still younger than 15, but you aren’t to far from it. Heres one closser to your age group, “In 2021–22, about 19 percent of students ages 12–18 reported being bullied during school…” NCES states. These statistics are just from people that spoke up, it is likely a higher number. That is why, this has to stop.

Answer 1

I've touched up the grammar and added suggestions. I hope this helps :)

Suicide: what is it? Suicide is defined as the act of intentionally causing one's own death. Although, there's more to it than that textbook definition. I know you're probably tired of hearing about suicide prevention, but you haven't been hearing about it.¹ You learn to listen actively in school, but you don't.²

¹ I'd be gentler about this assumption. Ask yourself, "Who is my audience?" Not everyone who reads your paragraph doesn't care about suicide prevention. What you want to address is why everyone should care.

² How do you want readers to feel when they read your paragraph? Accusing your audience of not listening or caring may make them less receptive to what you have to say.

There's a reason we learn about suicide prevention and have helplines on the backs of our IDs. Every day, you walk past someone struggling with mental health. The World Health Organization states, "An estimated 1.1 million adolescents die each year. The leading causes are road traffic injuries, suicide, and interpersonal violence." Did you know that? Don't get bored yet, there's more.³

³ See above. While it's engaging, this kind of snark may not be received well with such a serious topic.

The American Health Rankings indicate that there are 10.6 deaths via suicide per 100,000 adolescents aged 15–19. This might not seem like a large number, but do the math and that's an estimated 35,404 for the U.S. teen population.⁴ Yes, most of you reading this are still younger than 15, but you aren't too far from it.⁵ Here's a statistic closer to your age group: "In 2021–22, about 19% of students ages 12–18 reported being bullied during school," NCES states. These statistics are just from people that spoke up, and the real numbers are likely to be even higher.

⁴ Can you walk me through how you got this number? (35,404)

⁵ Remember, your goal isn't to scare them, but to make them think productively. I might say, "Most of you reading this are younger than 15, but taking care of ourselves and others is the first step to lowering suicide risk now and as we grow." This will also help you transition into your next point about bullying.

This paragraph was a great start; you cited strong statistics and brought your audience's attention to their school IDs. This helps them understand that suicide is a real risk that exists in their community. Most of my suggestions are about tone.

As you write, consider these questions:

How do you want the reader feel when they read your paragraph?

Why should the reader care about suicide? How do these statistics affect them?

What is the most effective way to get the reader to care about suicide?

And then, later on in your article:

Now that we care about suicide prevention, how do we prevent suicide?

Answer 2

Great suggestions by Aniana G. Here is another example of how you could improve this paragraph:

"This Has to Stop

Suicide—what is it? The textbook definition says it’s the act of intentionally causing one’s own death, but there’s much more to it than that. You may think you're tired of hearing about suicide prevention, but are you really hearing about it? We’re taught to listen actively in school, but often, we don’t. There’s a reason we have lessons on mental health and helplines on the backs of our IDs. Every day, you could be walking past someone struggling.

Did you know that an estimated 1.1 million adolescents die each year from preventable causes? Road traffic accidents, suicide, and violence are the top culprits, according to the World Health Organization. Surprised? The American Health Rankings report that 10.6 out of every 100,000 U.S. adolescents aged 15-19 take their own lives. That’s over 35,000 teens. And though many of you reading this are still younger than 15, you're not far from that age.

"Even for younger students, bullying is a major issue. In 2021-22, nearly 19% of students ages 12-18 reported being bullied during school, according to the NCES. And that’s just from those who spoke up—the actual number is likely higher. This has to stop."

To refine your message further, consider emphasizing empathy and making sure the statistics flow naturally within the text. If you'd like help further refining this or any other part of your article, we could dive deeper in a session and discuss ways to make your writing even more impactful. Feel free to book a time, and we’ll work through it together!