Hello is this a good introduction for a concept paper?

Question

Hello is this a good introduction for a concept paper? What can I add to make it good?

We thrive on performance, competitiveness, and perfection in today's world, which causes stress to rise subtly, this study will focus on testing different essential oils to see it’s effectiveness as an alternative stress relieving tool for stressed people. Stress is a social phenomenon that needs to be properly scrutinized and assessed since it has damaging effects that are frequently underestimated. Stress also becomes harmful when people use alcohol, tobacco, or drugs to try to relieve their stress. Unfortunately, instead of relieving the stress and returning the body to a relaxed state, these substances tend to keep the body in a stressed state and cause more problems (Bhandari, 2021). Hence, this phenomenon calls for researchers to look for healthier solutions that could relieve the stress of people while enhancing their health.

Answer 1

Music S.,

I applaud your determination to promote oils as a plausible stress reducer. However, the written introduction deserves something more solid for the reader. In brief, please consider the following:

1. Begin with a better attention getting hook. Mention oils in a way that prompts someone to read more.
2. Who is the “We” addressed in the beginning? Some may find it offensive if you intend to group everyone in the entire world in that one word.
3. Double check the sentence structure. It does look like a run-on. May I recommend beginning with a simple sentence. Next, explain the context or background. Avoid cramming so much into the first sentence.
4. I agree with the other other reviewer. Your hypothesis or thesis appears too early and needs some tidying up. Consider possibly changing “it’s” to “their” to better coincide with the plural word “oils.”
5. Assessing word choice and lessening the repetitive ones could really help the intro shine. Check for similar meaning replacements for the word stress.
6. Remove “for stressed people” as it overstates the need and possibly insults the reader.
7. The sentence beginning with “Stress is a social” comes across as passive. Who should address the issue? Which damaging effects do you want readers to consider? Who underestimates such damage?
8. The combination of stress plus use of these other items creates what kind of harm? Add more active voice to the introduction.

Answer 2

This introduction does a fairly good job of introducing the topic of essential oils as a potential means of stress reduction that is not detrimental to health. However, you might want to put the thesis statement at the end of the paragraph, so that the rest of the paragraph can build towards it.

I would usually advise against flatly stating the purpose of the essay in the introduction (e.g., "This essay is about...," "In this paper I will...," etc.). This seems like a brute-force method to ensure the reader is aware of the essay's subject by the time they finish reading the introduction, as you are not confident in your ability to convey what the subject is otherwise. However, since this concerns a scientific study and its intended audience is probably more interested in its results than the eloquence in which it is presented, I believe it is appropriate in this case.

Be wary of common grammatical issues, such as the proper instances to include an apostrophe in "its;" as well as how to choose between a comma and a semicolon, or to start a new sentence.