Is this sentence formatted sufficiently?

Question

Is the following sentence formatted adequately? Are there any places commas could be added or taken out, or are there any places it could be worded or formatted better/less awkwardly?

Since the inside of the cells had a higher saline concentration than the distilled water on the outside, it made the distilled water a hypotonic solution, creating a hypotonic state. Since water moves to dilute, water entered the blood cells. Because animal cells have no cell wall for extra structural strength and protection, this caused them to burst.

Answer 1

Hi Jordan,

Is this for a lab report in Biology?

The issue with this sentence is not so much the punctuation, but the wording which needs to be more specific and concise (word choice, repetitions, and word order). You also need to use transitions in your text, so the reader understands where you're heading next.

Compare your sentence and the edited one below with guidance on how to improve it:

Since the inside of the cells had a higher saline concentration than the distilled water on the outside, it made the distilled water a hypotonic solution, creating a hypotonic state. Since water moves to dilute, water entered the blood cells. Because animal cells have no cell wall for extra structural strength and protection, this caused them to burst.

We found that the inside of the cells had a higher saline concentration than the distilled water on the outside. (SPLIT SENTENCE here) As a result, it turned the distilled water into a hypotonic solution, creating a hypotonic state. Since water moves to dilute, (WHO is diluting? Or are you stating a general rule about water? It is unclear. Also, your tense may be off since you are describing an experiment which is over) water entered the blood cells. Because Consequently, animal cells bursted because they have or had?? (double check your tense) no cell wall for extra structural strength and protection. ( Change the word order to make your sentence more concise).

Answer 2

Hi Jordan,

First of all, let me say that I don't know the subject matter that you are writing about. However, I see some cases of ambiguity with some pronouns that I normally advise students to avoid. In your first sentence the meaning of "it" seems unclear. Again, in your last sentence, the meaning of "this" is unclear. Can you rephrase the sentences in a way to avoid this ambiguity?

Julie

Answer 3

Your sentence structure needs work. You need to rewrite for grammar and clarity.

Answer 4

Hi Jordan,

Yes, your sentences are all formatted correctly--commas and all. Good job!