Becky N.

asked • 11/14/14

I need help to look over my sonnet

The sun is going down

There’s no one around to make me smile

I'm walking slowly in this lonely town

a light went cross a mile


I try to catch it but its far away

Again the cold winter came

I'm still standing alone and find my way

Bringing the memories of how you leave me

in this pain. Its burns me just like a flame

 

When I call you rain,

My love becomes the sand

I long for you in vain

Would you ever take my hands?


You set my soul on fire

But now my love for you is a desire.


please tell me if it is good enough and does it make sense?

John F.

Becky,
    Your thoughts are clear to follow and I can feel your emotions clearly.  We all experience these same feelings many times in our lives.  You indicated that you were trying to write a sonnet.  As I've analized your first draft, I see that it falls more into line with a Rondeau form of poetry.  Attached is a revision I made for you with an explanation.
 
My sun of life is slowly dipping down                                   10

There’s no one close again to make me smile                       10

I'm walking  lowly in this lonely town                                    10

 

A flickering light shoots out mile to mile                                10

 

But  still without you there I feel to drown                              10   five line quintrain, stanza  with 10 syllables per line



I try to catch you but you’re far away                                   10

Again the cold of winter mid us came                                     10

 

I find myself alone to find my way                                         10

The way you left me burns me  like a flame                            10   four line quaatrain stanza with 10 syllables per line



When I call out to you amidst the rain,                                    10

 

My love is like the rains upon your sand                                10

 

I long to spend some time with you again                               10

 

Please give my soul some rest and take my hand                    10

You set my soul on fire in all you say                                     10

 

You’re nothing more I wish from day to day                       10   six line sestet stanza with 10 syllables per line

 

 

Your poem falls into the direction of A Rondeau Poem invented by the early French Troubadors.  By analyzing the syllabic structure of each line of your original expressions of thought,  I took the first stanza and replicated the 10 syllabic meter into the other stanza maintaining the thought flow and the rhyme scheme you had chosen.   I have found after writing some fifty years of poetry beginning at your age, that If I replicate the syllabic rhythm of the first stanza  into the other stanzas I can draw out of my mind the real feelings of my heart. 
 
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12/12/14

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Matt H. answered • 11/14/14

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Hi Becky--
 
Your poem is beautiful. And it yes it makes sense, all the way through.
 
I love "When I call you rain, my love becomes the sand." It is so evocative.
 
You ask, "is it good enough?" Yes, it certainly is! But I have a few thoughts, just a couple of things that jumped out at me that you might want to think about:
 
First, it's not really a sonnet, technically--usually a sonnet will have a very consistent meter (rhythmic pattern). Your poem explores different meters, so it falls more accurately under the heading of free verse, which is a perfectly excellent and legit poetical form, and fits the mood of your thoughts very well.
 
And the only other thing I might point out is that there a few lines with some too-common images: "burns me just like a flame," "my love for you is desire,"  these are lines that are heard in a lot of poems and songs--probably because their meanings are so clear and universal--but you might think of taking another try at just those few spots, so that they become as original and refreshing as the rest of the imagery.
 
But on the whole, you've written a very nice piece here--very honest, not pretentious or fake. It was a pleasure to read, and congratulations to you on deciding to post it here.
 
Hope this helps.
 
Matt in New York
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