Is this sentence written correctly?

Question

I'm writing an essay and having issues. My writing tends to sound awkward. This was my first draft of the sentence:

"His father worries Henry has a death wish and asks the narrator, who seems to be his son’s old friend, for advice, but Henry reminds them of their father’s suicide."

This is my attempt at revising it:
"Henry's father worries that Henry has a death wish and turns to the narrator, an old friend of Henry's, for advice since the narrator has lost his father to suicide."

Is this sentence written correctly? Have I made it less "awkward"? Any suggestions welcome.

Answer 1

Your attempt to fix it was much better. I suggest breaking it into multiple sentences.

Henry's father worries that Henry has a death wish. He turns to the narrator, who seems to be his son's old friend, and asks for advice. Unfortunately, Henry's friend is reminded of their own father's suicide by this.

Answer 2

What do you mean by "Henry reminds them of their father’s suicide?"

 

Who does Henry remind?  and whose father committed suicide?  In the rewrite you indicate that it's the narrator's father, but then why say "their" father's?

 

I think the first draft isn't too bad.  I like ""His father worries Henry has a death wish and asks the narrator, who seems to be his son’s old friend, for advice."  But you should end the sentence there and then add a second sentence for the rest of the thought -- something like this:

 

"However, Henry remembers that the narrator's father had committed suicide and reminds his father of this."

 

I think this captures the meaning clearly -- if I understand it correctly.