What's the best way for this sentence to be written?

Question

I'm trying to write the following sentence in the best way possible. I've rewritten it in a few different ways and haven't really been satisfied with anything I've tried so far, and I'm also concerned it may come across as a run-on. I have three questions;

1. What's the best way to word and format the following passage in one sentence using commas and other punctuation?

2. What would be the best way to word and format the passage by splitting it into two sentences?

3. Is a comma required before "which harshly required victims..."? If so, how would I format the passage accordingly?

Adopted by the Supreme Court in Graham v. Connor as a new national standard for assessing excessive police force in 1989, a significant improvement from the previously used substantive due process standard which harshly required victims to prove a forceful officer had malicious intentions, the reasonable person standard was once thought to be a major step forward in law; especially for minority citizens like Graham who would continue to be disproportionate victims of police misconduct. 

Answer 1

Hi Jordan,

1- Use active voice to launch your sentence. Passive voice weighs down sentence structure in general.

2- Focus on word order.

3- Aim for concise writing. Delete unnecessary words.

4- YES, splitting a LONG sentence can be very effective.

Improved version:

In Graham v. Connor (1989), the Supreme Court determined that the substantive due process standard harshly required victims to prove that a forceful officer had malicious intentions. At the time, it was considered a major legal step for minority citizens like Graham who were disproportionately victims of police misconduct.

I hope this addresses your writing issue.

Nadia Greasley

Answer 2

Hi Jordan B.

I came up with a 2-sentence solution. I felt that 1 sentence was too wordy and could easily confuse the reader. Hope it is helpful to you.

1. Adopted by the Supreme Court in Graham v. Connor (1989) as a new national standard for assessing excessive police force, the reasonable person standard was once thought to be a major step forward in law.

1. It was a significant improvement from the previously used substantive due process standard which harshly burdened victims (and minority citizens like Graham who would continue to be disproportionate victims of police misconduct) to prove a forceful officer had malicious intentions.