What's the best way for this sentence to be worded?

Question

What's the best way for the following sentence to be worded? Context isn't important - I'm just trying to use a person as an example, "like Graham," somewhere in the sentence without awkward placement or phrasing.

The law was seemingly written to defend the human nature of the police, more so than that of the citizens and victims, like Graham, that the officers themselves are intended to protect.

Answer 1

Jordon,

The 4 points provided by the previous tutor are correct and helpful, however your question asked for us to ignore context. What I am providing is a version of your text, using the active voice, correct word order and punctuation, and the deletion of unnecessary modifying words that weaken your statement.

I hope this is helpful for you.

>>The assumed intention is that police protect private citizens, like Graham, but the current interpretation of the law defends the officers, rather than the public.<<

Answer 2

Hi Jordan,

1- Use active voice to launch your sentence. Passive voice weighs down sentence structure in general.

2- Focus on word order.

3- Aim for concise writing. Delete unnecessary words.

4- YES, splitting a LONG sentence can be very effective.

Improved version:

In Graham v. Connor (1989), the Supreme Court determined that the substantive due process standard harshly required victims to prove that a forceful officer had malicious intentions. At the time, it was considered a major legal step for minority citizens like Graham who were disproportionately victims of police misconduct.

I hope this addresses your writing issue.

Nadia Greasley