Morgan I.

asked • 12/01/18

Please help in the concision for two sentences. Advanced College Level Writing Class

Hi, this is for an advanced writing class for business. My paper argues the need to enforce policies on the production of palm oil. My professor has said that my first paragraph (2 sentences) needs to be "more direct/less jargony without losing the emphasis or meaning." Additionally, I need to use "plain english" or understandable words instead of using the word "negative externalities" (i.e. I should use "negative impacts" instead). However, I am having trouble re-writing it using the same meaning with the aforementioned critiques. The sentences are below:


The production of palm oil has come under increased scrutiny because of the large quantities used in numerous consumer products worldwide and the negative externalities that this increasing usage has on the developing countries that produce and export it. However, because of these negative externalities, many stakeholders have recognized the need to regulate the production of palm oil.



My attempt to revise thus far is: "The production of palm oil has come under increased scrutiny because of the large quantities used in numerous consumer products worldwide and the [ resulting negative impacts on/ resulting harm to /detriment this has caused on / destructive consequences for ] the developing countries that produce and export it. However, because of these [negative impacts], many stakeholders have recognized the need to regulate the production of palm oil."


However, I feel that this is still wordy and am having trouble choosing what is clear, concise, and argumentatively to the point.

Mark M.

tutor
The entire first sentence is not clear on the message. What are your trying to say? Increased production of palm oil creates increased negative effects on the producing countries? Then just say that! Save all "fluff" for the body of your paper.
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12/02/18

Morgan I.

Thank you. I am trying to say, essentially: 1) The production of palm oil has been scrutinized by many people recently (my point: showing why it is relevant to the current times). This scrutiny is because: a) it is used in so many products, ranging from food to cosmetics (point: palm oil is in everything) b) this causes negative impacts on the countries that produce and export it (point: the production has bad impacts, which are only increased with the increasing use of it in all of the products). 2) Because of the two points above (and because it has gained so much attention in the media), we need to regulate it. [next paragraph/point] …the Roundtable of Sustainable Palm Oil has provided this regulation. [My bottom line in my paper is my argument that the RSPO needs to enforce their policies, and they need to do it immediately.] My worry of saying " Increased production of palm oil creates increased negative effects on the producing countries" is that it is the first sentence of my entire White Paper, thus it needs to mention all that I said above in an intriguing way.
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12/02/18

1 Expert Answer

By:

Tracy S. answered • 01/10/19

Certified English teacher specializing in struggling writers

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