
Morgan I.
asked 12/01/18Please help in the concision for two sentences. Advanced College Level Writing Class
Hi, this is for an advanced writing class for business. My paper argues the need to enforce policies on the production of palm oil. My professor has said that my first paragraph (2 sentences) needs to be "more direct/less jargony without losing the emphasis or meaning." Additionally, I need to use "plain english" or understandable words instead of using the word "negative externalities" (i.e. I should use "negative impacts" instead). However, I am having trouble re-writing it using the same meaning with the aforementioned critiques. The sentences are below:
The production of palm oil has come under increased scrutiny because of the large quantities used in numerous consumer products worldwide and the negative externalities that this increasing usage has on the developing countries that produce and export it. However, because of these negative externalities, many stakeholders have recognized the need to regulate the production of palm oil.
My attempt to revise thus far is: "The production of palm oil has come under increased scrutiny because of the large quantities used in numerous consumer products worldwide and the [ resulting negative impacts on/ resulting harm to /detriment this has caused on / destructive consequences for ] the developing countries that produce and export it. However, because of these [negative impacts], many stakeholders have recognized the need to regulate the production of palm oil."
However, I feel that this is still wordy and am having trouble choosing what is clear, concise, and argumentatively to the point.
1 Expert Answer

Tracy S. answered 01/10/19
Certified English teacher specializing in struggling writers
I’m not sure that I can help you in this particular situation, but I might be able to offer you some advice. If your campus has a writing lab, I would take your paper there and ask for help. Often times the tutors there are very familiar with the professors, their writing styles and expectations, and they can really be very helpful. You migh give it a shot.
Hope this was helpful info. Best of luck on your essay.
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Mark M.
The entire first sentence is not clear on the message. What are your trying to say? Increased production of palm oil creates increased negative effects on the producing countries? Then just say that! Save all "fluff" for the body of your paper.12/02/18