Anne D.
Nice start! It has promise. First some tips to keep in mind.
Your characters should ALWAYS be memorable and unique. This does not mean simplistic. More specifically, in speech, the reacher should be able to figure out who is speaking by their accent and speech quirks alone. In a character thought process, the character's way of thinking should be so clear to the reader that if you were to take a thought the character had and throw it together with other thoughts, show it to someone that only knows your character and nothing else, they should be able to identify the thought associated with your character. In appearance, this means the silhouette is unique to your character.
Also ensure as you create characters their personality, appearance, way of thinking and station are in accordance with the character's role. In certain stories this can intentionally mean creating clashing appearances, but ensure the reader understands this is intentional. For example, a weight lifter that does not appear to have defined muscles or a caring father that believes that creating struggles for his kids helps them grow. These are just some general pointers to keep in mind.
Onto your story.
Try improving your opening. It is a great start, but the reader has limited time, patience and is busy. They are going to take the time to read your story, give them an opening that makes them want to read more. This can be a question, a contradictory statement, breaking the fourth wall, a cliffhanger opening, anything so long as the reader wants to read more. The first sentence should be dedicated to getting the reader to care. The second sentence should build on a reader that has a bit of curiosity and get them to buy into the story.
The passage you wrote is a suspense/horror passage, it seems. Try a bit of build up before the climax. Also, don't be so quick to resolve things. Once the reader is in suspense when The Dead announces they want to scare people, keep building the story with more twists the reader did not see coming. A suggestion here is to have The Dead be a sympathetic character that appears to be a threat. For Example, instead of simply having The Dead scare people because they used to live their and feel possessive of the house, why not try having something akin to The Dead is aware of an impending danger to the family and is trying to warn them but due can only communicate by banging things and groaning. So he is trying to warn the family of the danger, but they interpret it as fear. Then you can launch into the backstory behind the dead, and maybe he is a kindly old man the daughter knew as a child whom she spent a lot of time with.
Alternatively, maybe The Dead is lonely and wants friends or is frustrated and hanging onto trauma experienced while alive. Put simply, why are the dead motivated to scare? What ever answer you come up with to that question should have various twists and turns. One easy way of answering it is to ask what was this person like while alive? Kind, miserly, abusive, helpful, gullible adventurous, shy etc.
Next, you don't need to repeat breakfast in the final paragraphs. Instead of saying the breakfast is super amazing, show the reader how the breakfast tastes and make it so clear the reader can taste it too. The reader should hear, see, feel, taste experience what your character is experiencing as vividly as your character does.
Currently, the general outline of the passage is:
Character dislikes Halloween
Dead scares character because he feels possessive of the house in which the character lives
Everyone lives happy ever after.
Make this more complex and incorporate twists and turns. Start improving the first sentence, give a character weaknesses, strengths, baggage, frustrations,
Below is a matrix for character creation to help get you started. Filling this out for each character should give you strong, complex characters to work with. A note: if the character's role is very minor, all fields don't need to be filled. For example, for a person the main character passes by walking down the street who neither interacts with them nor days anything and is never mentioned again does not need to have key events.
| Role |
| Plane of existance/dimension or world |
) |
| Race/Species |
| Surname |
| First name |
| Nickname (if any) |
| Gender |
| Age |
| Reincarnation location |
| Birth date |
| Residence |
| Financial situation |
| Health status |
| Head |
| Hair |
| Eyes |
| Nose |
| Mouth |
| Ears |
| Torso |
| Arms |
| Hands |
| Hips |
| Genitals |
| Legs |
| Feet |
| Skin |
| Additional limbs |
| Apparel, clothing and wearables |
| Size |
| Weight |
| Build |
| Behavior |
| Personality |
| Mannerisms |
| Native tongue |
| Additional known languages |
| Accent |
| Accent patterns |
| Religion |
| Hobbies |
| Obsessions |
| Vices |
| Family |
| Loves |
| Friendships |
| Childhood |
| Adolescence |
| School life |
| Professional Life |
| Key events in the current life of the character prior to the start of the story |
| What is the character trying to gain? |
| What does the character risk loosing if they do not succeed? |
| Who or what is opposing the character from achieving their aims? |
| What is the character protecting? |
| What are the constraints under which the character must act? |
Keep up the good work
Remember whatever you write be happy with but never be so satisfied you stop improving. Always keep that what you wrote is good but can be better.
Much metta and Karuna,
Greg
Anne D.
Thank you Rachel! :D
11/08/12