Essay help, grammar and critique please.

Question

Hi, I am looking for someone to help critique my essay as to why I want to be a physician assistant.

While I shadowed a trauma surgeon, a young girl was admitted into the trauma unit, she had been trampled by a bull. As EMS brought her through the door, she went into cardiac arrest. The trauma team immediately came together in unison to save her. Unfortunately, despite every effort, they were unable to resuscitate her. As I watched this tragedy unfold, I saw something peculiar in the midst of all the chaos. As the doctors were requesting tests and vital signs, I noticed the physician assistants providing the necessary information and hands on patient care for this patient. Shortly after, I accompanied the trauma surgeon to notify the family that their child had passed away. As I witnessed the surgeon and PA reveal the news to the family and seeing the families reaction, I realized that patient care doesn't end at the bedside. The way both providers explained to the family that everything was done to save their daughters life gave them some solace. I want to be able to do that for people.

When I was a 10 years old, my school had an event where students pretended to work jobs, receive pay, and spend money. The point of the event was to learn how to write checks and manage money. However, it started up a conversation between my friends and I about what we wanted to be when we grew up. When the conversation came my direction, I didn't have an answer for my friends. I had absolutely no idea what I wanted to be. Shortly after this event, my father was diagnosed with cirrhosis of the liver. His addiction to alcohol had finally caught up with him and the symptoms of his disease were quickly worsening. The medical providers estimated that he had three months to live. As time went by, I watched my father, who was once a physically healthy man, deteriorate into this crippling, emaciated shell. During my many visits, I vividly remember a physician assistant who was constantly checking on my father. Day in and day out, this PA was ordering tests, analyzing labs, and talking to my father. Although, what I remember most were the times he would sit down and talk to me, during our conversations he would provide me with a sense of relief by distracting me from the anguish around me. Months went by and my father who was originally given 3 months to live was now being discharged from hospice. On the very last day that same PA walked us out and wished us the best of luck. I still remember his name, James Cobb. I truely believe my father survived another fifteen years because of Mr. Cobb. As Mr. Cobb turned around to walk back inside, in that moment, I realized what I wanted to be when I grew up, a PA.

Fast-forward to today, I have spent a little over ten years in the medical field, I have been an EMT, cardiac monitor technician, EKG tech, medical assistant, and combat medic. I have gained a wide array of experience by working in various settings such as the ER, ICU, NICU, CICU, and surgical and trauma specialties. During this time, I have grown a passion for working with patients, in an effort to better their standard of living. Conversing with various healthcare professionals has made me realize that becoming a PA will allow me to do what I love, by providing hands on patient care while growing a long-term rapport with patients and being able to provide care not only physically but emotionally. This, is why I want to be a PA and why I believe I will make an amazing PA.

Answer 1

Hey. I read through your essay and these are the suggestions I have. That being said, I'd also like to wish you "Good Luck" because I think you could be an excellent Physicians Assistant! *It keeps telling me there are too many characters when there aren't so I'll submit this answer in 2 parts. Part 1:

While I shadowed a trauma surgeon, a young girl was admitted into the trauma unit — (do a long dash or a period, here) She had been trampled by a bull. As EMS brought her through the door, she went into cardiac arrest. The trauma team immediately came together, acting as one, to save her. Unfortunately, despite every effort, they were unable to resuscitate her. As I watched this tragedy unfold, I saw something peculiar (why this word? I sense that you were amazed or awed by this rather than you found it weird or odd or strange… consider choosing a different word maybe) in the midst of all the chaos. As the doctors were requesting tests and vital signs, I noticed the Physician Assistants (is an actual job title, so you capitalize it) providing the necessary information and hands-on patient care for this patient. Shortly after, I accompanied the trauma surgeon to notify the family that their child had passed away. As I witnessed the surgeon and PA reveal the news to the family and saw (“witnessed” is past tense so you need to use “saw” or change it to “After witnessing” and “seeing”) the family’s (this should be possessive not plural) reaction, I realized that patient care doesn't end at the bedside. The way both providers explained the situation to the family, that everything was done to save their daughter’s life, gave them some solace. I want to be able to do that for people.

(new paragraph, here) When I was 10 years old, my school had an event where students pretended to work jobs, receive pay, and spend money. The point of the event was to learn how to write checks and manage money. However, it started a conversation between my friends and I about what we wanted to be when we grew up. When the conversation came my direction, I didn't have an answer (leave the las bit off because the important part isn’t that you didn’t have an answer for your friends; it's that you didn’t have an answer for yourself). I had absolutely no idea what I wanted to be. Shortly after this event, my father was diagnosed with cirrhosis of the liver. His addiction to alcohol had finally caught up with him. The symptoms of his disease quickly worsened and his health rapidly declined. The medical providers had estimated that he had three months to live. As time went by, I watched my father, who was once a healthy (“healthy” should be your 1st descriptive adjective because it's the most important of the 2), physically active man, deteriorate into a crippled, emaciated shell. During my many visits after he was hospitalized, I vividly remember the Physician Assistant who was constantly checking on my father. Day in and day out, this PA was ordering tests, analyzing labs, and talking to my father. Although, what I remember most were the times he would sit down and talk to me. (this should be a period) During our conversations, he would provide me with a sense of relief by distracting me from the anguish around me (was his ability to distract you really his most important function? Because, that doesn’t correlate with your previous descriptions of the vital roles PAs play in healthcare. What about the comfort he provided by keeping you informed? Or the aide he provided your father during his declining days? It might just be me, but my interpretation of your paper thus far is that they provide a much more significant service than “distraction” and you may consider rewording this portion). 

Answer 2

Hello, Asked,

I'm not a grammer genius, so take my thoughts only as suggestions. Overall, I liked the essay, especially the focus on personal experiences that solidified your commitment to the profession. I felt it might be a bit too wordy - too many cases words are added that don't help make the point. I'll illustrate with a portion of your essay. My goal is to remove redundant wording and get to the point more quickly. The people reading your essay will appreciate a compact, but impactful statement.

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However, it started up a provoked a conversation between with my friends and I about what we wanted to be when we grew up. When the conversation came my direction, I didn't have an answer! for my friends. I had absolutely no idea what I wanted to be. Shortly afterwards after this event, my father was diagnosed with cirrhosis of the liver, a victim of His addiction to alcohol addiction. had finally caught up with him and the Symptoms of his disease quickly worsened and he was warned he may only have . The medical providers estimated that he had three months to live. I watched as my previously active father deteriorated into a crippIed, emaciated shell. It was painful. watched my father, who was once a previously a physically healthy man, deteriorate into this crippling, emaciated shell. During my many visits, I vividly remember a physician assistant (PA) who was constantly checking on my father. Day in and day out, this PA was ordering tests, analyzing labs, and talking to my father. Although, What I remember most were the times he would sit down and talk with me. This provided me with a sense of relief in the sense I knew he was being helped as much as could be done. by distracting me from the anguish around me. After the three months Months went by and my father who was originally given 3 months to live my father was still alive and well enought to be discharged from hospice. On the very last day, that same PA walked us out and wished us the best of luck. I still remember his name, James Cobb. I truly believe my father survived another fifteen years because of Mr. Cobb. As At the moment Mr. Cobb turned around to walk back inside, in that moment, I realized what I wanted to be when I grew up, : a PA.

Fast-forward to today, I have spent now have a little over ten years in the medical field, including I have been an EMT, cardiac monitor technician, EKG tech, medical assistant, and combat medic. I have gained a This wide array of experience covers a wide range settings: of by working in various settings such as the ER, ICU, NICU, CICU, as well as and surgical and trauma specialties. During this time, I have grown a My passion for working with patients grew during this period - in an effort I strive to better improve their standard of living. Conversing with various healthcare professionals has made me realize that becoming a PA will allow me to do what I love, by providing hands on patient care while growing a long-term rapport with patients. I want and being able to provide care not only physically but emotionally both physical and emotional care. My goal is to become an I want to be a amazing PA, and I believe I will. , and why I believe I will make an amazing PA.

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Use or reject as you see fit. Your experience and enthusiasm are clear. I hope you're employed by the time I next enter a hospital, although my New Year's pledge is to stay out of hospitals this year. (It was also last year's pledge, but I failed).

I did not edit the first paragraph, but might suggest more of a "5 W's" approach: Who, What, When, Where, and Why: all in the first sentence or two.

Example: My career goal of becoming an amazing physician assistant was formed by a very personal experience involving my father and reinforced with experience, all summarized here.

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Using this as a lead, it might make more sense to move the paragraph about shadowing a trauma surgeon to after the experience with your dad. It forms a timeline from older to newer, and more quickly addresses your original desire to make PA an occupation. The trauma story reinforces both your interest in the field and also the experience you bring.

I hope this helps makes sense,

Bob