How does the placement of transition sentences affects the meaning/tone of a piece?

Question

Example:> Finally, I began questioning the kid. What was her name? Where were> her parents? And most important, what was she doing outside in this> horrible weather? She replied to none of that. In fact, she didn’t> utter a single word; all she did was to stare at me with her uncanny> eyes. **Luckily, I obtained that information by other means.**> > That night, after the kid had gone to sleep, I found a letter in her> backpack.> ________________________> Finally, I began questioning the kid. What was her name? Where were> her parents? And most important, what was she doing outside in this> horrible weather? She replied to none of that. In fact, she didn’t> utter a single word; all she did was to stare at me with her uncanny> eyes. > >**Luckily, I obtained that information by other means.**>> That night, after the kid had gone to sleep, I found a letter in her> backpack.> ________________________> Finally, I began questioning the kid. What was her name? Where were> her parents? And most important, what was she doing outside in this> horrible weather? She replied to none of that. In fact, she didn’t> utter a single word; all she did was to stare at me with her uncanny> eyes. >> **Luckily, I obtained that information by other means.** That night, after the kid had gone to sleep, I found a letter in her> backpack.How does the meaning/tone differ in passages above?

Answer 1

In the example you’ve given, the sentence between the asterisks is unnecessary. In fact, it does your story a disservice. By telling the reader up front that you succeeded in finding the information, you dissolve any sense of anticipation or curiosity that would have been evoked by your description of going through the backpack.

Similarly, in the preceding paragraph, you used three clauses to describe a single action. “She replied to none of it. In fact she uttered not a single word; all she did was stare at me with her uncanny eyes.” That’s a lot of verbiage to use when you are actually trying to make the reader feel the weight of the girl’s silence! It might be better to reduce it all to a single, brief statement, perhaps set off in its own paragraph to give visual emphasis on the page:

[...] And most important, what was she doing outside in this horrible weather?

She simply stared at me.

Later that night, after she fell asleep, I rummaged through her backpack and finally found some answers. In a letter, I read [that...]

Hope this helps!

Answer 2

Okay, so I don't exactly know what you mean here. So, I provided an edit that might shift the tone to what you want.

Finally, I began questioning the kid. What was her name? Where were her parents? And, most importantly, what was she doing outside in this weather? She replied to none of that. In fact, she didn’t utter a single word. She just stared at me with those uncanny eyes. Luckily, I obtained that information by other means. That night, after the kid had gone to sleep, I found a letter in her backpack.

The use of commas vs. periods vs. semicolons place emphasis on statements. Think, if you were reading, a period would be a full pause. A comma would be a partial pause, and a semicolon would be somewhere in between; *Huff* *huff*.

So, for this sentence...

In fact, she didn’t utter a single word. She just stared at me with those uncanny eyes.

I changed it to two separate sentences to place emphasis on the fact that she did not say a word. Then, I ensured that the "stare" was its own important component. This adds a level of tension.

Hopefully this answers your question!