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Help editing paragraph

Did I edit this paragraph correctly?
 
 
Well, if you really want to know what I think, I think that our society places way, way too much emphasis on the importance of physical appearance or beauty as such.  The entertainment industry, especially movies and television, are big promoters of this idea.  Let's face it, not everyone canlook like the stars on television.  The thing is, we'eve got to learn to appreciate people for who they are, not what they look like.  If we do this, this will make our society might start to change for the better.
 
 
Rewritten as:
 
Well if you want to know I think, our society places much emphasis on the importance of physical appearance or beauty.  Movies and television are big promoters of this idea.  Not everyone can look like the stars on television.  We have got to learn to appreciate people for who they are and not what they look like.  If we do this our society might start to change for the better.
 
 
thanks
 
 
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4 Answers

Hi,
 
I think you did a good job of editing the paragraph. You certainly got rid of the extraneous words that just bogged down the reader. I would suggest a couple of small changes. I'll give the full paragraph as I'd write it, then below it I'll try to explain my thinking on some of the changes. Note that I started with your edited version, then made my changes.
 
If you want to know I think, our society places too much emphasis on the importance of physical appearance or beauty. The entertainment industry, especially movies and television, are big promoters of this idea. Not everyone can look like the stars on television. We have to learn to appreciate people for who they are and not what they look like. If we do this our society might start to change for the better.
 
1) I deleted the very first word, "Well". That word does not add anything, and it's fine in conversation, but in writing, I don't think it is necessary.
 
2) I added back one "too" on "too much emphasis". Yours edits were good - the original had "way, way too much", but by removing all of it, I think it was no longer as forceful as the original writer wanted it to be. I good balance is one "too" in there.
 
3) I added back "The entertainment industry" because that helps qualify "movies and television". It also tells the reader that it is the entire entertainment industry, not just movies and television.
 
4) Lastly, I changed "got to learn" to just "learn". The "got to", like the "Well" in #1, does not add anything. Your writing will be a lot crisper and easier for the reader without words that do not add anything.
 
Again, my suggestions are quite minor. You did a good and careful job. Congratulations!
I would change the paragraph to:
 
Well, if you want to know I think, our society places too much emphasis on beauty. Movies and television are big promoters of this idea. Not everyone can look like the stars on television. We must learn to appreciate people for who they are and not for what they look like. If we do this, our society might start to change for the better.
You did a good job condensing the paragraph without losing its meaning, but there are a few minor grammatical errors. Peter H. offered some great suggestions on phrasing, so I'm only pointing out little things like misplaced commas and so on.
 
Your first sentence starts "Well if you want to know I think," and it's missing a "what" and a comma (if you want to keep the "well")--it should read "Well, if you want to know what I think, [...]"
 
If you wanted to further streamline this paragraph, you could combine two sentences so they read: "Movies and television are big promoters of this idea, but not everyone can look like a star." I changed the ending because I felt saying "television" twice seemed redundant.
 
The sentence "We have got to learn to appreciate people for who they are and not what they look like" would read better with a comma to break it up, like so: "We have got to learn to appreciate people for who they are, not for what they look like."
 
The last sentence could use a comma too: "If we do this, our society might start to change for the better."
 
The paragraph in its entirety would then read like this:
"Well, if you want to know what I think, our society places much emphasis on the importance of physical appearance or beauty. Movies and television are big promoters of this idea, but not everyone can look like a star. We have got to learn to appreciate people for who they are, not for what they look like. If we do this, our society might start to change for the better."
 
As I said, these are very small suggestions, but I hope you find them helpful.
MLA writing format strongly discourages the use of extraneous, repetitious, or meaningless words and phrases. Good suggestions were made in the previous entries, but I have a couple more suggestions.
  • Take out not only the "Well," but also "If you want to know what I think."  By simply stating, "Our society places far too much emphasis on physical appearance," it's obvious this is what the writer thinks.
  • I like the term "entertainment industry" which also would include music videos, video games, etc. If the writer feels that movies and television are primary offenders, he could say, "The entertainment industry, especially movies and television...
  • The adjective "big" used with promoter is lame.
  • LOSE the word "got." It should be, "We have to learn..." NOT "We have got to learn..."
 In its entirety, I would write as follows:
 
"Our society places far too much emphasis on the importance of one's physical appearance. The entertainment industry, especially movies and television, strongly promotes these superficial values. Not everyone can look like a star. We need to accept and appreciate people for who they are, not what they look like. If we change our own personal values, society might start to change for the better."