How to improve this weak answer to a question?

Question

My teacher said that my answer below was weak. So how can I improve it? Exactly where did I go wrong? I would really appreciate it I could get some tips.

 

What is the future of rural areas?

Many settlements in extremely rural areas are being abandoned. It is hard to make a living there and it is far to the towns and cities where services and shops are. The decline of these isolated settlements is likely to continue in the future.
Many people working in the city are moving to nearby villages. This allows them to keep their jobs but enjoy a better lifestyle in the country. Counterurbanisation, as this is called, is becoming more and more popular. This will cause population growth in many villages and lead to villages being suburbanised, losing their rural character.
In the future, rural settlements on the whole will decline. Some will be abandoned. Others will turn into suburbanised villages and become more like towns than true rural settlements.

Answer 1

Hi Marietta,

I'm so glad to be able to help you.  The first thing that I would say is that you need to tell a little bit more about each idea in your answer.  For example you state, "It is hard to make a living there and it is far to the towns and cities where services and shops are."  In this sentence you are taking two different ideas and making them seem like they are one.  I would break this up into two sentences and explain why it is hard to make a living in rural areas specifically and then explain a little more about how hard it is to get services to rural areas.  I think that this is the issue that your teacher has with your answer.  You just need to expand a little more about the ideas you already have listed.  I find that the best way to fix something like this is to pretend that you are writing it for someone who knows nothing about the subject at all.  Pretend that you are writing this to yourself before the lessons were given.  What information would you need?  How in depth would you need to go to be able to understand the concepts?  

 

I hope that this helps.  If you need more help or a better example, please feel free to let me know and I will get back to you as soon as I can.

 

~Ms. Katie

Answer 2

I thought your answer was very thoughtful and concise. As an English teacher, I did notice one grammar error in the second sentence. You left out the word "to",  (it is TO far to the towns). That second sentence sounds choppy and needs to be smoothed out a bit. Like I said, I thought it was a great answer. The only thing that I could suggest is more details and more information. Perhaps it was not detailed enough for your instructor. Also, focus on a strong topic sentence which will preview your main 3-4 points. Tell the reader what your going to tell them in a concise, complex sentence. Also, expand each of the main points you discussed. Good luck to you and good job! (Again, I disagree with your teacher, unless he or she wanted a mini-essay verses a good paragraph.) I'd be pleased to assist you if you have anymore questions or would like me to proofread your answer. Feel free to contact me at [email protected]. I hope this helps. Jennifer