Alysia K. answered • 06/10/22
30 years veteran beeof teaching elementary writing
This cover letter is not going to get an applicant through the first paper screening of the hiring process.
It is too informal and includes no indication that the writer has done any research at all about the company they are applying to.
Who is my primary audience? The Human Resources screening group. Small group
Who is my secondary audience? The department managers in the store.
What is the size of my audience? Probably small, less than ten
Mistakes: Greeting and Subject like are too familiar in tone. Show little respect for the position of the Human Resources officer who will be reading it.
What is their location? Probably in the back offices of the store unless they are a corporate chain.
What is their level of knowledge? High concerning the details of what they need a manage to do.
What are their expectations and preferences? They want someone who is experienced, has a professional demeanor, who demonstrates some understanding of their particular business that could be gotten from a web page or from customer ratings of this store.
What is the probable reaction? Negative. This application would go instantly into the NO pile.
Greeting and subject line are too familiar in tone. Show little respect for position of the HR person reading the letter.
Greeting line has wrong punctuation. Opening sentence is weak, shows no connection to the business and has grammar and punctuation errors. Sentence has poor form. The 25 should be written in words. FINISH should not be in all caps. I would avoid a contraction in a letter like this. Sentence does not give any hint of detail about how experience matches needs of the store.
Last paragraph, again has too familiar of a tone, sounds immature and lacks detail and shows low writing skill.
Example:
From: John Doe
Subject: Application for Manager of London Sports Equipment LTD.
June 9, 2022
Dear Mr. Ckner:
I am excited to apply for your recently advertised manager position for Sports Equipment store in London. I am twenty-five years old, a recent graduate of a the London School of Business and am an avid sportsman.
Your business offers a wide variety of sports equipment from individual winter sports, summer water sports and team oriented ball sports. The specifics of each category of equipment require teams of sales personnel that are preferably active in the sport whose equipment they are selling but at the very least highly knowledgeable about the equipment itself. I bring this up because a store manager must be knowledgeable about all of the sports areas offered in the store and able to motivate all those sales teams to learn about the specifics of the equipment they are selling. Engaged management will result in a higher quality sales force.
This requires a person who can listen with respect to the sales people, coach them to solve the problems they confront and motivate them to be the best sales team they can be. I have the temperament and skill to do this well. I am friendly but firm in my leadership skills. I am fluent in French and English and have years of experience working in sports and in sports equipment businesses as you can see in my resume.
I work hard and I know that I would be a good fit for this position. I hope to hear from you soon. Thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
John Doe
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