Paula C.
asked • 05/06/22Is this sentence correctly constructed with the introductory phrase and the subject?
Here is my sentence:
With fear and curiosity, her eyes were transfixed on the woodlands wearing a fiery burst of color.
The subject is her eyes, but is it confusing or poor form to suggest that her eyes have fear and curiosity? The pronoun her refers to the character, named two sentences earlier. We are in the character's POV so no one else is observing the fear or curiosity in her eyes. I am a line editor and this sentence has me stumped. The fear and curiosity is a state of mind for the character, from her POV. "her eyes" reads as as the subject but is it correctly constructed in the sentence reflecting fear and curiosity? Please advise. Thanks. paula cappa [email protected]
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1 Expert Answer
There is an error with the use of prepositions here, namely "with," and "on," and there is also an error with the use of the participle "wearing."
How about recasting the sentence to read more fluently. Here is one suggestion:
Her eyes filled with fear and curiosity when she saw the fiery colorful bursts of the fall woodlands. ("Fear" does not make sense in this context.)
There is just too much going on in this sentence. You can also break it up or make it simpler:
Her eyes were transfixed by the fiery colorful bursts of the fall woodlands.
Paula C.
Olya, very helpful. Thank you. I thought something was off in this sentence but couldn't figure it out. Can you explain what the error is exactly in using the prepositions and why "wearing" is wrong so that I can understand? Is the object or the modifier the problem?
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05/10/22
Olya T.
tutor
Paula, Here are some suggestions.
(1) Maybe say "Filled with fear and curiosity, her eyes ..." Your introductory prepositional phrase would need a participle to modify or refer back to "her eyes."
(2)The correct preposition to go with transfixed is "by," not "on. " "Transfixed" means "mesmerized." You can also say her eyes were fixed on the sight of the colorful woodlands. The correct preposition to go with fixed in this context is "on." "Fixed on" in this context means "focused on."
(3) The use of "wearing" is awkward. The woodlands are not wearing anything. You can use this phrase metaphorically and complete the image. For example, "Wearing the fiery colors of fall." We would not say "wearing a burst." Perhaps we could put "burst" in the plural and say "wearing the fiery bursts of fall colors." We could also say "decked out in the fiery bursts of fall."
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05/10/22
Paula C.
Terrific! Thanks so much, Olya.
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05/10/22
Olya T.
tutor
It's always a challenge to untangle awkward sentences :)
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05/10/22
Olya T.
tutor
When you revise, you need to make sure the participle (wearing) modifies" woodlands," as in "Wearing the fiery colors of fall, the woodlands were an impressive sight."
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05/19/22
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Carolina S.
Hi Paula! The introductory portion is fine. I think you're stumped because the sentence sounds awkward. Sometimes we want to sound eloquent in our writing and we tend to think that the addition of more detail is needed to do so. I'd figure out a way to reword "wearing a fiery burst of color" or add this detail into the next sentence.05/08/22