How can I learn the art of listening?

Question

People hear, but they don't listen. Listening is an art! Learn ways to improve your listening ability.

Answer 1

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A) Daydreaming and Failing to Listen

It’s very easy to lose focus when others are speaking if their tone of voice is dull or you’re not interested in what they’re talking about.

And even when someone is speaking well, their words can trigger thoughts that set your mind wandering.

To combat this, when you find yourself drifting off, notice what’s happening and come gently back to listening again.

B) Judging What the Other Person is Saying

We filter so much of what people say through judgement and while this is something that happens naturally, it gets in the way of good listening.

Judgement often takes the form of expressions of necessity – you must, you have to, you should have – or evaluations of whether something’s good or bad so

learn to watch for these signs both in yourself and others.

And when these thoughts come up, notice them and suspend judgement until after you’ve finished listening to what the other person has said.

C) Predicting What The Other Person is Saying

Another bad habit is trying to predict what the person you’re listening to is going to say before they’ve said it. This is something we do all the time with people we know well, like our close friends and family.

The problem is that this blocks listening because we colour everything they say through our view of their previous words and actions.

Don’t Rehearse What You’re Going to Say

We’re all familiar with the problem of trying to rehearse our own piece while someone else is speaking.

A) Notice how often you’re thinking about what to say next

The first is noticing, which I keep coming back to but that’s because it’s the most important part of the process.

B) Reflect back to the person

During a conversation, use a reflecting phrase like “you said X” or you mentioned Y” to repeat your interpretation of the other person's ideas.

The biggest challenge here is not interrupting, which takes us onto the next point - getting comfortable with pauses.

C) Get comfortable with pauses

Very often someone might pause while they’re talking but that doesn’t always mean they’ve finished.

A big reason we prepare answers while the other person is speaking is because we don’t feel comfortable dealing with silence.

3) Actively engage with what you’re listening to

When others are speaking for extended periods, it can be hard to process everything they're saying.

This is something many of us struggle with a lot at meetings and conferences.

A) Create interest and be prepared

The first thing is to try and cultivate some sort of interest in what’s being said.

If you’re in a meeting, the chances are you’re there for a reason, so remind yourself why it’s important that you listen. Even if it’s irrelevant see it as a training exercise for your listening skills.

If you’re going to a conference, look up the speakers and choose the talks you want to go to, so that you’re more likely to be interested in what’s being discussed.

B) Take Good Notes

To engage with what you’re listening to, I’d recommend note taking.

Answer 2

You are right - listening is an art as much as speaking is, and it needs practicing to become a better listener. The basic requirement for good listening skills is working on your attention span. If you can pay attention for longer and longer, and if you do not get distracted easily when listening to a speaker, you will automatically become a better listener. If you have difficulty concentrating, start listening to documentaries, TED talks, or speeches on video and go from 5 min to 10 min to up to an hour. Notice when your level of input saturation approaches and try to maintain a willingness to actively listen for just a bit longer every time. Obviously, the subject matter helps, and if you happen to be interested in it, you will automatically listen longer more easily. So, start listening to topics you are interested in first, then continue with topics that you are less interested in. The art of listening is to continue paying attention even though you are not totally into the topic or what the person is talking about. Good active listening also means that you can force yourself to listen even though you may disagree with the speaker or not care for the topic at all. To stay focused, you can tell yourself that you might need this information later, or that you really need to understand where the other person is coming from in order to counter his or her arguments. Moreover, a healthy sense of curiosity often helps to stay focused and keep paying attention. If you are listening during a conversation, you can also improve your listening skills by actively participating even when you are not speaking, i.e. nodding, short comments to confirm that you understand or agree, phrases like "oh, really" or "how interesting" to signal that you are still paying attention, or even 'mirroring': a technique that copies your counterparts language and gestures to create a feeling of being 'in sync'. You also need to take mental notes, as if you were taking notes during a lecture knowing that the content of the lecture is important for an upcoming test. By taking mental notes, summarizing and organization the information, and if possible, paraphrasing and repeating the information back to the speaker, you will not only appear to be a good listener, but also remember more easily what was said and eventually really become a better listener. And if the situation allows for it, ask questions to clarify information and show interest. Finally, also pay attention to your body language. It is much easier to keep listening, if you are trying to maintain eye contact (rather than staring at the floor), keep your hands and arms in a position that is inviting (rather than crossing your arms for example), and show that you are relaxed and enjoying the conversation (rather than tapping your fingers or fidgeting). All of this will help you become a better listener.