college essay help

Question

I am not sure if this works for a the common essay. The prompt it "Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story." I need help with editing and also if this is even a decent essay. These are the questions I have about the essay: Does it flow nicely? Does it sound "smart"? Does it answer/relate to the question? Thank you!

 

I always believed that money could buy you happiness. I used to have debates with people before and I would argue, “going to the mall and being able to buy whatever I want would give me so much happiness.” People would tell me that there are studies that prove that money doesn’t buy you happiness, but I never believed them because having money always made me happy. I didn’t see how there could be a possibility of money ever making me sad. It wasn’t until one day in the summer my mom told me that the day my dad died the doctors messed up and our family received money because of the doctor’s error. My mom told me she put the money we received into savings account for my siblings and I to use to pay for college. Finding out about this savings account completely shook my world. At first, I was at relieved because I wouldn’t have to worry about paying for college, but then the facts really sank in. I realized that I inherited this money because the doctors messed up when they could have saved my dad and I couldn’t handle that truth. I would cry every night wishing I could give all the money back to the doctors and be left with nothing, just so that I could have one more day with my dad.
One day while discussing career plans with my friend, Jane, she mentioned that she wants to go into business because it has a good career outlook and high salaries. I asked her if she was really interested in business or if she was just interested in the money, she replied money. Jane argued that having a good paycheck would make her happier when she’s older. I would have probably agreed with Jane had we discussed this a month earlier, but now I couldn’t understand how someone would be willing to sacrifice their happiness in their future just so they could have more money. That’s when I realized that I want to pursue a career that will make me happy, even if the paycheck isn’t as big at the end of the month. I have never fully been able to understand how my father’s death has affected me because I was so young when he died, but now I have discovered one effect, that I want to be happy in future, because money will not buy me happiness. I think what matters is not how much money I have, but rather how I earn my money. If I have all the money in the world, but earn it by doing something that I hate, I will never truly be happy with life. My dad loved his job, it didn’t matter if he made $100 or $1, he loved what he did and was passionate about his work. I hope that I will be that way when I am older. I think my dad’s legacy has helped me to focus my goals for my future to what I want to do to make me happy, because I know that’s what he would want me to do—not to chase after a career that would make me miserable just so I would have a big paycheck at the end of the month. This invaluable lesson has changed my outlook on my future and has allowed me to concentrate my attention on what makes me happy in the long run, not what makes me happy for a brief time. I’ve learned that what does make me happy is going to Best Buddies events and interacting with the Buddies that have intellectual or developmental disabilities, or going on an interview for my article for the newspaper, and that I am not truly happy after I buy a new sweater or pair of shoes. Understanding that money doesn’t buy you happiness has changed my perspective on my life because now I will allow my passions to dictate my future, not money.

Answer 1

Hi, Mia,

I enjoyed reading your essay. You write from the heart, and it shows. I am sincerely sorry for your loss, but commend you on putting things into perspective and understanding the value of pursuing a career that gives you satisfaction over one that pays well while sucking the life out of you. Many go through life not understanding this basic principle. You are very wise for your young age.

A few editorial comments: please take it as constructive criticism with the sole intention of helping you become a better writer. I see the word happiness 3 times, on your first three sentences. I would suggest using synonyms (other words that mean the same thing) to spice it up, e.g. contentment, satisfaction, fulfillment) We humans react negatively to the same words being too close to each other. You can always do a quick google search for the term you want to find next to the word synonyms (happiness synonyms), or use the thesaurus feature of Word if you have it to find similar words.

"Messed up" is a colloquial term (meaning something people say when talking), but it would be better to use a more specific word when writing. Do you know the professional term when a doctor messes up? (Here are some examples: (1) Doctors treating my father made a fatal mistake, (2) gross medical negligence led to my father's demise, (3) my father's passing was due to medical malpractice, (4) Human error in my father's medical treatment proved lethal.)

I have broken your essay into paragraphs. A paragraph is a group of related ideas, and these are the places that felt comfortable to take a break. I have made a few wording suggestions, in color, that you make accept or not as you see fit. (Sorry, but when I posted here the color disappeared. You will have to read the whole thing.) Remember, you are the author of this piece, and you want to shine through.

Sincerely

Maria-Elena L.


I always believed that money could buy you happiness. I used to have debates with people (friends?) and argue that “going to the mall and being able to buy whatever I want would give me so much happiness.” People would tell me that there are studies that prove that money doesn’t buy you happiness, but I never believed them because having money always made me happy. I didn’t see how there could be a possibility of money ever making me sad.

It wasn’t until one day, in the summer, my mom told me that the day my dad died the doctors messed up and our family received money because of the doctor’s error. My mom told me she put the money she received into a savings account for my siblings and I to use to pay for college. Finding out about this savings account completely shook my world. At first, I was at relieved because I wouldn’t have to worry about paying for college, but then the facts really sank in. I realized that I inherited this money because the doctors made a tragic mistake when they could have saved my dad. I couldn’t handle that truth. I would cry every night wishing I could give all the money back to the doctors, even if I was left with nothing, just so that I could have one more day with my dad.

One time while discussing career plans with my friend, Jane, she mentioned that she wants to go into business because it has a good career outlook and high salaries. I asked her if she was really interested in business, or if she was just interested in the money. She replied "the money." Jane argued that having a good paycheck would make her happier when she’s older. I would have probably agreed with Jane had we had this discussion this a month earlier, but now I couldn’t understand how someone would be willing to sacrifice their future happiness solely for money. That is when I realized that I want to pursue a career that will make me happy, even if the pay isn’t as big at the end of the month.

I have never been able to fully understand how my father’s death has affected me because I was so young when he died, but now I have discovered one effect: I want to be happy in the future because money will not buy me happiness. I think what matters is not how much money I have, but rather how I earn my money. If I have all the money in the world, but earn it by doing something that I hate, I will never be truly happy with life. My dad was a ... (Are you able to share your dad's occupation? That would make him more real) My dad loved his job, it didn’t matter if he made $100 or $1; he loved what he did and was passionate about his work. I hope that I will be that way when I am older.

I think my dad’s legacy has helped me shift the concentration on my goals for the future. This invaluable lesson has changed my perspective and has allowed me to focus on what would make me happy, not just temporarily, but in the long run. I will not be chasing after a career that may make me miserable, just for the sake of accumulating wealth. I will find out what type of work will make me happy. I know that’s what my father would have wanted me to do. My future may be in special education or in journalism. I have learned that what does make me happy is going to Best Buddies events and interacting with the Buddies that have intellectual or developmental disabilities, or going on an interview for my article for the newspaper, and that I am not truly happy after I buy a new sweater or pair of shoes. Understanding that money doesn’t buy you happiness has changed my outlook on life because now I will allow my passions to dictate my future, not money.

Answer 2

I LIKE IT!

 

There are a few minor errors, but it's good.  I think it flows well.  Try the changes and see.  I will show my editing in bold.

 

I always believed that money could buy you happiness. I used to have debates with people before(remove word) and I would argue,(remove comma and quotes.  Insert the word "that") “going to the mall and being able to buy whatever I want would give me so much happiness.” People would tell me that there are studies that prove that money doesn’t buy you happiness, but I never believed them because having money always made me happy. I didn’t see how there could be a possibility of money ever making me sad. It wasn’t until one day in the summer my mom told me that the day my dad died("Then my mom told me about the day my dad died.") (New sentence-The the doctors messed up and our family received money because of the doctor’s error. My mom told me she put the money we received into (a) savings account for my siblings and (me)I to use (remove to pay) for college. Finding out about this savings account completely shook my world. At first, I was at relieved because I wouldn’t have to worry about paying for college, but then the facts really sank in. I realized that I inherited this money because the doctors messed up when they could have saved my dad and I couldn’t handle that truth. I would cry every night(,) wishing I could give all (of) the money back (in return for my dad's life) (remove to the doctors and be left with nothing, just so that I could have one more day with my dad).
One day(,) while discussing career plans with my friend, Jane, she mentioned that she wants to go into business (so she could make more money) (remove because it has a good career outlook and high salaries). I asked her if she was really interested in business or if she was just interested in the money(.)(remove,) (New sentence)(S)she replied money. Jane argued that having a good paycheck would make her happier when she’s older. I would have probably agreed with Jane had we discussed this a month earlier, but now I couldn’t understand how someone would be willing to sacrifice their (future)happiness (remove in their future just so they could) (add "in order to") have more money. (That’s when I realized that I want to pursue a career that will make me happy, even if the paycheck isn’t as big at the end of the month.There are some present/future/past tense issues in this sentence.  Work on that.) I have never fully been able to understand how my father’s death has affected me(,) because I was so young when he died, but now I have discovered one effect, that I want to be happy in future, because money will not buy me happiness. I think what matters is not how much money I have, but rather how I earn my money. If I have all (of) the money in the world, but earn it by doing something that I hate, I will never truly be happy with life. My dad loved his job(,) (remove,) (New Sentence It it) didn’t matter if he made $100 or $1(.) (remove,) (New sentence HE he) loved what he did and was passionate about his work. I hope that I will be that way when I am older. I think my dad’s legacy has helped me to focus my goals for my future (on) (remove to) what I want to do to make me happy, because I know that’s what he would want me to do(.) (remove—not)(Insert "He would not want me") to chase after a career that would make me miserable(,) just so I would have a big paycheck at the end of the month. This invaluable lesson has changed my outlook (remove on/insert "regarding") my future and has allowed me to concentrate my attention on what (insert "will") make (remove s) me happy in the long run, not what ("will make makes) me happy for a brief time. I’ve learned that what does make me happy is going to Best Buddies events and interacting with the Buddies (insert "who") (remove that) have intellectual or developmental disabilities, or going on an interview for my article for the newspaper(.) (remove, and that) I am not truly happy after I buy a new sweater or pair of shoes. Understanding that money doesn’t buy you happiness has changed my perspective on my life because now I will allow my passions to dictate my future, not money.

 

Let me know what you think.  Hope it helps.

 

Rich