Nemuel R.
asked • 02/06/22How can I make my Critique Essay Draft more concise?
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3 Answers By Expert Tutors
Anonymous A. answered • 02/06/22
Tutor
New to Wyzant
Master's Level Tutor Utilizing Learning Styles Theory
Hello Nemuel,
It is difficult to help you without seeing an example of your writing to know what you are struggling with. If you message me a paragraph or so of your critique essay, I will give you some feedback & assistance.
Many well-wishes,
Lorelei
Anonymous A.
Hello Nemuel, Did you get the (fairly detailed) answer I sent last week to the copy you sent me? I am getting used to this system and do not see it here. Hopefully you got it & found it to be valuable. 🙏😁
Report
02/16/22
Megan C. answered • 02/15/22
Tutor
5.0
(182)
English Tutor with Seven Years of Experience
Hi Nemuel!
Although tutors cannot comment on your essay specifically without seeing a copy of it, there are a number of ways to go about making your writing more concise. You should read the essay over several times to check for issues such as the following:
- Does every paragraph serve a particular purpose? How about every sentence? If there are sections of your essay that do not relate back to your thesis/topic, do not further your point, etc., then you should consider cutting those areas.
- Are there points that you spend too long elaborating on? Even if your arguments are logically sound and effective, you should check if they can be condensed even further. Sometimes insecurity can lead to overexplaining; trust your writing and do not repeat yourself excessively.
- Are the individual words and phrases you're using necessary? Do you use too many introductory phrases? Too many adjectives every time you need to describe something? When you're limited to a certain word count, it's important to look out for even minor instances of overwriting.
Consider making cuts based on issues like these. Being too strict can make the writing dull, so use your best judgment. Good luck with your essay!
Hello,
The first thing you want to do is make sure you have a workable thesis statement.
Get rid of any unnecessary words. We call this over writing.
Make sure your major and sub-points are well organized within the essay.
Use references correctly when quoting other material.
Make sure you have a sound conclusion that summarizes your major ideas.
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Anonymous A.
For some reason I cannot see your reply here. But I did see it in my email. So, I will copy & paste a few of your sentences to give you some feedback. First of all, you are not doing too badly. :) Every writer needs to constantly tighten up his/her wording to be sure it is concise & engaging. Here are some thoughts to take you further along on your writing path. I am picking a few examples from the beginning. Then you can do the same tightening for the rest of the essay. 1) "While the idea of pursuing a career one is passionate about seems/can be personally rewarding, it can also be detrimental to one’s lifestyle." The wording here seems a bit convoluted. Regarding the term "seems/can be", I suggest that you pick one or the other. This is often true with words where we put a slash. It gets tedious and can be overdone. So here is one possible rewrite... While it may be rewarding to pursue a career purely out of passion, such a pursuit can also be detrimental to one's lifestyle. (I suggest that you choose "one's" or "a person's" based on how formal or informal you wish to be in the paper. Then keep it consistent throughout.) 2) "Therefore, this very concept may be contributing to the recent influx of people quitting their jobs." To be specific, it is not really the "concept" that contributes, but the fact or actuality of the situation. So, I might simply say... The very reality of this situation may be at the root of the recent downtrend in employment longevity. In a more formal essay like this "employment longevity" is a nice upgrade to "people quitting their jobs." Let the thesaurus be your best friend. :) 3) Now at this point we have to really take a look at what you wish to say. I think, based on the rest of the essay, that you wish to say that people are leaving their jobs because they DO want to pursue what they are passionate about. Yet here you actually seem to say that people are leaving their jobs because they can't make a living following their passions. This, of course, makes no sense, because a passion-job would often not be a 9-5 kind of thing. A writer must always think carefully to be sure he/she is saying exactly what she/he wishes to say... So let me suggest a rewording of the entire first two sentences, to begin this paper on the best track possible... For many decades there has been a trend toward people pursuing careers for passion, instead of financial gain. Yet it was the recent pandemic- where people literally left their unfulfilling jobs in droves- that taught us how strong the desire for a "passion-job" truly is in the human heart. Can you see how the above says directly & specifically what (I think) you are really trying to communicate in this paper? I say that I think this is what you wish to say, because I am a bit confused by the way you are expressing some of your ideas. So, I am not sure what you want to say. It is this very reader-confusion that we writers always want to avoid. So, this is the process for you as an essay writer... You must think very carefully about what you really wish to say. Then you must say it as efficiently (and formally) as possible. (And also avoid being overly stuffy.) You can now rework the entire essay in this way to improve it greatly. (I am assuming, by the way, that what you sent me is several paragraphs- all showing up together as one, due to the formatting of the reply. If I am incorrect, you do need to separate this writing into a few paragraphs. It is way too long for one or even two. You have 3 or 4 paragraphs here.) 4) In this essay you have a fair amount of lack of "subject/pronoun agreement". This is always grammatically incorrect & quite taboo. For instance... "Even the belief that one is not 'worthy' if they do not devote..." "One" is singular. "They" is plural. For grammatical correctness you must say... A) "Even the belief that one is not worthy if he or she does not devote..." (or say "a person", instead of "one"- which is a bit less stuffy) OR, for equal correctness you could say... B) "Even the belief that people are not worthy if they do not devote..." (I personally like A better, as it is more formal.) For any kind of writing, you must never mix singular with plural in the same sentence. This is an easy fix, if you really look & think it through. These errors will definitely take a grade down, or have your writing & thinking seem amateur-ish to the reader. 5) I wish you great success in this. You have obviously understood the writings you have read. And you have some great ideas that you wish to express about them! Knowing what you really wish to express and then being sure to actually express it is always the dilemma of the writer. If you are interested, I am most happy to assist you in the goal of being the best writer you can be. Out of curiosity, what is this writing for? Is it a college or high school class of some sort? Best of luck to you, Lorelei02/10/22