College Essay Help

Question

I am not sure if this works for a the common essay. The prompt it "Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story." I need help with editing and also if this is even a decent essay.

“Astrology is a language. If you understand this language, the sky speaks to you.” Zodiac signs and horoscopes were something that I always looked at as just random predictions with no meaning at all. It wasn’t until my friend, Tabatha, introduced me to what zodiac signs really are and how they helped me grow as a person. 

I typically never share my feelings with my family or friends; it’s always been a struggle for me to express and talk about how I really feel to others. I would bottle up my feelings, but everything changed when Tabatha and I had one lengthy conversation about what zodiac signs mean and what they have to offer. That’s when I started to research the different characteristics of each sign and became fascinated with how significant they are in my life.

My other friends and I started to constantly discuss zodiac signs every day. It seemed like we would share a random fun fact we saw about each other’s signs or share our horoscopes that day. Talking to my friends constantly about zodiac signs became something I started to look forward too. My friends and I were already close, but it wasn't until we started to have daily conversations about zodiac signs that we were becoming to be closer. 

Since we talked to each other every day, my friends allowed me to share things about myself in a way that I was never able to do before. My friends offered me support that allowed me to grow emotionally and to become more secure with myself. We helped each other through stressful times each day with words of encouragement, laughter, and smiles. I think that that my self-confidence and self-assurance was not shaped by the zodiac signs meanings, but rather by the closer bond that I formed with my friends because they allowed me to show who I really am, without any fear of judgement.

In conclusion, zodiac signs and horoscopes helped me understand myself in a better way. So even if horoscopes are just superstition that have no importance to some people, to me they have given me a closer bond to my friends which has allowed me to grow stronger and become more self-confident in myself.

Answer 1

Hi Angel,

This a great starting point. Your explanation of how astrology helped you understand yourself better is insightful and mature. I'm glad you acknowledged that astrology is superstition--perhaps you can include this earlier in the essay so there is no confusion about how much you "believe" in it.

My first recommendation is jump directly into how astrology was an unexpected way for you to open up and become more comfortable sharing. It's always great to talk about personal growth. The causality should come through clearly: I had trouble sharing/expressing myself, then I bonded with friends over astrology, we spoke about astrology every day (the daily part is key), speaking every day made it easier for me to be open (maybe conversation trended away from astrology), which in turn made me more confident in myself. You can cut some of the explanation about zodiac signs and assume that readers will have a basic grasp of astrology.

To make the chain of events feel meaningful, it would be ideal to include a concrete example. Something like, "I never felt comfortable sharing my doubts about my [grades/body image/family life/goals for the future]. But once I was in the habit of having long discussions with my friends every day, it suddenly became easier to talk about [topic] I opened up to them about [personal experience] and they responded with support and.."

This is the crux of your essay: "I think that that my self-confidence and self-assurance was not shaped by the zodiac signs meanings, but rather by the closer bond that I formed with my friends because they allowed me to show who I really am, without any fear of judgement." The essay would be even stronger if you could reflect on what you were missing before you discovered astrology and how astrology acted as a stop-gap before you became more fluent in communicating your feelings ("I realized that astrology was the push I needed to...")

A final note--if you could bring the opening quotation into your conclusion, that would give the essay a sense of coming full circle. You could end with saying something like, "Astrology was a language I needed to learn in order to overcome my reluctance to share my feelings. I mastered astrology quickly and now I am becoming comfortable speaking a new language..."

Hope this helps!