Does this intro paragraph have a thesis that work?

Question

So the prompt is:

Regardless of our age or sex or color, we all provoke reactions from people who do not know us. Sometimes, in fact, we go out of our way to elicit a reaction - dressing a certain way, driving a particular type of car, engaging in an unusual activity, wearing our hair in a peculiar style. In a one-page typed, 1.5 spaced paper, and while using a variety of resources, including print and online searches, describe your image and behavior, and analyze how people react to you and why they react as they do.

 

My assignment is to write a intro paragraph with a thesis statement that works.

 

My intro paragraph:

A lot of people dress a certain way, drive a particular car, or wear their hair in a particular manner just to fit in with a certain group of people, but how often do they think about how others see or think of them? Women seem to always be the most precautious about how others perceive them. In this essay, I am going to try and analyze how people look at me with the way I dress and behave.

 

I would like to know if my intro paragraph has a thesis that works and if not, could you help me in fixing it because I am not particularly good at English when it comes to writing essays.

 

Thank you,

Lena

Answer 1

Hi Lena:

 

When I look at your paragraph, I see some issues.  First, I see the question " how often do they think about how others see or think of them?" which leads the reader to conclude this paper is going to be how the amount the people think about others see or think of them.  The second concern is the sentence "Women seem to always be the most precautious about how others perceive them."  This shows some gender bias as men often think about how they are perceived as well.  Add the final sentence to that  "I am going to try and analyze how people look at me with the way I dress and behave" and you are implying that you represent all the women.  Also, the first sentence leads the reader to believe this is about how often people "think" about they are perceived, while your last sentence does not reflect how much you "think" about how you are perceived, but how you are actually perceived.