Use consistent tenses. Break up many onf these long sentences in two. Could a person act out your plot?? I couldn't follow it. Clarity is a virtue.
Answers by Anne K.
"It was a dark and stormy Hallowe'en night, ..."
You can't go wrong with the famous 'Who', What', Where', 'How', and 'Why'. Just list thoses in order, spend more time on anything unusual (Man Bites Dog), and keep editing untill the main facts stand out in the mass of information.