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What do you think of my story? Do I need to improve anywhere? My story is due tomorrow.

In a town of gloomy night skies and dark descent clouds incorporating the glacial feel of air. It was Halloween night. Evelyn was exhausted from passing out trick or treat candy to witches, ghost, vampires, super heroes and the walking dead. Kids dressed up scuttling around to obtain the treats of the night. Pumpkin lights flickering as there is a spirit nearby. Evelyn Rose, a 14-year-old girl who lives with her parents Mr. and Ms. Rose in a luxurious home.

"Trick-or-Treat!" The choir of kids howled. Evelyn reached down toward the candies and scooped them up and tossed them into their bags. Howling like a Werewolf as the little monsters said good-bye. As Evelyn closed the door, Halloween night was over. "Evelyn, are you done handing out treats sweetie? " exclaimed her mom smiling. "Yes mom. Oh, and look there's barely any treats left ha-ha-ha" she giggled. "Well, you better go to bed now!" Said Ms. Rose. "Okay." Evelyn said.

As Evelyn went up the stairs she heard a creek. "Mom? Good-night!" she said with a shaky voice. From her bathroom window she watched as the porch lights in the neighborhood turned off one by one returning it to its’ moonlit peaceful state. With relief, Anne thought “Ahhh- Halloween is over. Time to brush my teeth and off to bed I go!" She said happily. She took off her costume, got undressed and into her warm cozy Pajamas. She spat out the toothpaste and slowly sneaked out of the bathroom glaring both ways and following to where the mischievous resonance is. Instantaneously, there was a movement with the door as she turned her head towards it. She widened her bulky eyes as tear drops of sweat slowly dripped off her forehead. Her hands trembled with horror as her legs weakened with no ability to stand. "Who's there?" Evelyn questioned with a cracked voice. CHING! She quickly turned her head and gazed at the fallen trophy rolling on the ground like a ball that was just being thrown. BAM! Evelyn jumped out of her soul with deep breathing and heart-racing fear. The door had suddenly shut closed. The flickering of the lights went on and off as floating dark shadows appeared in the in the room. TICK! The lights suddenly turned off. Evelyn dug for her flashlight even though she couldn't see a single thing. It was a good thing that she remembered where she had put it and that she was close to it as well. As she snapped the switch on, she pointed the beam of light in front of her and...AAAHHH!!! Evelyn burst into tears as it trickled down her face. Her heart pounded like it was about to pop outside of her chest as she headed straight into her parents' room.

"Mom! Dad! Oh my gosh! There is the Dead in our house!" Shrieked Evelyn sulking. "Calm down Evelyn! Maybe you just had a nightmare." Her dad said calmly. "No dad. I'm serious. The dead is in our house!" She screeched. "Okay. How about you sleep with us then. That way you won't be so scared tonight." Ms. Rose exclaimed calmly. "Yes please mom. But what If it popped up again?" Evelyn asked in a trembling nervous voice."Don't worry dear." Mr. Rose smiled "We'll be safe." Ms. Rose headed towards the bathroom and looked in the mirror to put lotion on. Without warning, The mirror cracked. She shook with fear as her heart raced. She stared at the mirror frightened that she couldn't move. "Hello." The Dead chuckled behind her. She slowly turned around as trembling all over. Feeling the shivers go down her spine. AAAAHHHH!!!! She screamed. Ms. Rose dashed out of the bathroom and raced to her husband and daughter. Mr. Rose and Evelyn rushed up to see what was going on. "Hun! OMG" she sobbed as tears trickled down her face. "Mom! You saw it too?" Inquired Evelyn as she sulked in pain. Without a moment's notice, the Dead swayed in front of them. It's long tangled hair, pale white face, and white bulgy eyes was all wart like features. It's bloody scraped arms and Sharp long claws was like a lion's that pops out when it digs deep into the pray.

The family sprinted down stairs as fast as their feet could take them as the lights flickered on and off as the dark side rise. They turned the door knob viciously and opened it to its widest length while Mr. Rose quickly grabbed the keys. They hopped in the new Lexus RX 350 as sped away from the house. The car raced at 100 meters per second twisting and turning all over the road. But it was a good thing that there are no cars in sight at the moment. Mr. Rose made a left turn and went into the Church of Glenson Town. They fiercely dropped out of the car and bashed onto the wooden door until it got opened. To the Priest's surprise, he was astonished how they were looking. "Dear Priest! Priest! There's the Dead in our house!" They squealed in unison. "Now, now, settle down. I can deal with this." He said calmly. He reached out for the dusty, old, jagged, spell, appearing book. He flipped many pages until he found the Dead. He read it aloud with a clear demanding voice. He mediated for a bit until it appeared right in front of him. "What do you want from me?" It hollered in a deep voice. "We would like to know why you are interrupting this family here." The priest replied while still mediating. "I'm there because this is my old home and I have decided to come out on Halloween to give everyone a scare." The Dead chuckled loudly with its evil laugh. "They had moved in a couple months ago and they are ruining my life. This is my home and no one understands that this house is mine. The realtor always wanted to sell this house to someone else. I would always feel irritated and paranoid when a new family comes to live in this house." The Dead explained with a somber tone.

The priest yanked the spell book and skimmed through the pages when he found something that said: The Dead goes to Heaven. "I have never seen this page before." He said in a confused tone. "What does this spell do?" questioned Evelyn. "Hmm...It said that if I repeated this spell three times, then the Dead will become a Heavenly Angel. Then it will go to heaven and start a new life there."The Priest assumed. "Alright Dead. Do you think you can have a good life in heaven?" He questioned. "I have decided that this house is just a house and I don't think it means much to me anymore. I have also decided that I don't want to hurt or scare people away from my home on Halloween night anymore. I just feel that I want to be a Heavenly Angel instead of the Dead. I'm also sorry for scaring you like that. I just wanted the house to myself and wanted to find the right holiday to scare. I apologize everyone." The Dead elucidated. The Dead then was ready for the spell to be cast as she also started to clear her mind and mediate.

Heavenly, Heavenly wait for the Dead. To rise out of the evil from the Dead's sinister pledge. Heavenly Angels soar to see. The Dead's evil rising into sympathy. The good or the bad you still have both. But to get into Heavenly City you need more sympathy. The Priest repeated the spell three times in a row as shimmering stars start to glow around the Dead. Every second, the Dead changed its appearance. The long tangled hair turned into a wavy gorgeous updo. It's skin was soft and smooth with no warts or anything. It's eyes are a shade of brown with golden eye shadow on the lids of the eyes."The Dead is now declared as one of the Heavenly Angels." Declared The Priest.

The next morning was bright and sunny with gleaming smiles all around the town. The family of three enjoyed their breakfast with a super amazing breakfast. There was full of delicious food on the table. Tuna sandwiches with bacon and eggs, fruit cup, honey cereal and bagels along with a full glass of milk. "What a huge breakfast!" Evelyn and her dad smiled. Crunching and munching on their breakfast is a sign of the family's happiness. Laughing and loving each other like always. Just like what most families do. "Hey, mom, dad? Have you ever thought how the Dead became the Dead?" Evelyn asked curiously. "Hmm...that's a good question but we don't think we could answer that." Ms. Rose exclaimed. "Well at least it is a Heavenly Angel which is a great thing to be. Having sympathy, caring but the best thing of all is love." Evelyn said in a calm neutral voice. She smiled. Then everyone smiled.

 

 

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4 Answers

It's hard to proofread/edit a short story in this format, so I will recommend two main things:

First, have a peer (preferably an adult, though) read your essay out loud while you listen. Make changes as the story is read.

Second, sometimes you use present tense (is, are, etc.), but mostly you use past tense (was, -ed, etc). You need to pick a tense and stick with it. Stories are more suspenseful in present tense, but it is challenging to write in present tense--everything is happening right now. here is an example from your essay of the difference between present and past tense:

Present tense:

"Trick-or-Treat!" The choir of kids howls. Evelyn reaches down toward the candies, scoops them up and tosses them into the children's bags, howling like a Werewolf as the little monsters say good-bye. As Evelyn closes the door, Halloween night is over. "Evelyn, are you done handing out treats, sweetie? " exclaims her mom, smiling. "Yes mom. Oh, and look there's barely any treats left ha-ha-ha" she giggles. "Well, you better go to bed now!" Says Ms. Rose. "Okay." Evelyn replies.

 

Past tense: 

"Trick-or-Treat!" The choir of kids howled. Evelyn reached down toward the candies and scooped them up and tossed them into their bags. Howling like a Werewolf as the little monsters said good-bye. As Evelyn closed the door, Halloween night was over. "Evelyn, are you done handing out treats sweetie? " exclaimed her mom smiling. "Yes mom. Oh, and look there's barely any treats left ha-ha-ha" she giggled. "Well, you better go to bed now!" Said Ms. Rose. "Okay." Evelyn said.

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One of the first things I always recommend to people before they ask anyone to read their work for them is to read it aloud themselves and they will catch at least 50% of what is wrong with their paper; tenses, not complete sentences as you need to work on, etc.  So please do this carefully and then see how your paper stands before you fret and then hand it over to someone else to check.

Hi Anne,

I'm sorry I didn't notice your post until today :(.  Rachel gave some great advice!  I do hope you were able to use it and make any changes to increase the consistency / flow of the story.  I enjoyed reading it as well.  Please let us know how you made out on the paper.

Sincerely,

Michele K. 

Use consistent tenses.

Break up many onf these long sentences in two.

Could a person act out your plot?? I couldn't follow it.

Clarity is a virtue.